i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
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MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
My what?
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
(by @ZachWeiner )
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds