i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
You Might Also Like
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date