i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
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The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
🛁
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
me in a relationship:
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.