I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
You Might Also Like
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed