Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.

Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens

*bites zombie*

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.

Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!

Fatted Calf: This cannot be good

ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it

I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.

My mother: What color do you look good in?

Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.

God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?

The enema of your enema is your friend!

~ Autocorrect wisdom

Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’

“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance

Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”

It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*

Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?

Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR

it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.

you: *finger guns*

me: *collapses*

you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*

me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*

you: *freezes*

me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*

you: *starts to raise your finger guns

me: *finger guns*

The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch

Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?

Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–

Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT

Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?

Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.

“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order