I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
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why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous
Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
