“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
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Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I’m just playing devils avocado here
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
favorite tropes as memes
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I’ll be back in 5 min.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”