Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.

Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you

Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH

Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!

Blacksmith:

me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard

me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage

[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.

mugger: gimme all your cash

me: lmao my what

“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

☠️ ☠️

Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.

I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.

Day 2 without sports:

Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!