Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.

Son: “I hurt my foot”

Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”

Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”

Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”

whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”

ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*

Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?

I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?

physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.

see something (a little dog on a walk) say something (“why hello to you little sir”)

People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.

For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.

i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry

I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.

Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.

“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”

Mom: Where are you?

Me: Mumbai

Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!

My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.

A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.

My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.

In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.