Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m never asking anyone out on a date again

*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils

@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”

“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“No problem, Alan.”

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them

Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.

Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?

I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else

I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.

My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.

And not ONE ab to show for it.

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.

God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?

Noah: yes

God: including the dinosaurs?

CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR

Noah: ….ya

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.

Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.