Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway

-inventor of the Biscotti

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*

*grass dies due to lack of water*

My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*

I’ll definitely check it out.

me: I’ll take this goth pear

cashier: that’s an avocado

*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??

Tobacco causes Cancer

Alcohol causes Dancer

I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!

My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

[Bear attack]

Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.

Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!

If snakes were wide

blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”

*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen

*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot

*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all

*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*

Me: why do I keep doing this, lol

*opens twitter*

Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.

HER: I love Game Of Thrones

ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister

I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!

teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?

me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”

Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?

“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.