*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
![]()
You Might Also Like
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.