i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
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I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”