i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
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My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
remember
only for emergencies
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
when she block me on everything
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?