Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.

Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!

scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.

DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting

Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do

Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.

Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.

Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.

I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them

My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.

i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS

I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons