i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
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Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Still cracks me up
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk