I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
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Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.