@JimmerThatisAll

I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!

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@Mom_Overboard

*pats belly*

Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?

Me: Yes. Nachos.

@dshack8

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

@UncleDuke1969

[bank]

Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”

Teller: “Checking or…”

Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”

Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”

@TheToddWilliams

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

@rachelle_mandik

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

@Cpin42

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

@iGreenMonk

How girls put on their pants:

*Left leg*

*Right leg*

*Wiggle*

*Wiggle*

*Jump*

*Jump*

*Squat*

*Stretch*

Done..

@SamTR7

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

@KMoFlo_official

I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.

@CelebrityChez

Imagine creating a lifetime of mystery for someone by breaking into their home and replacing all their family photos with pictures of eggs.