Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
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Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
I like your style, Murray.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
How girls put on their pants:
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Imagine creating a lifetime of mystery for someone by breaking into their home and replacing all their family photos with pictures of eggs.