I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
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I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?