I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!

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Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.


Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE


During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded


Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.


[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope


I’m actually not sure if the Wife decorated the tree really well or she just created the best Lady Gaga outfit in history


kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend



me: which friend


Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.


Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”


birthday cards don’t be coming with checks no more. which is wild because 12 year old me didn’t need that $50 like 31 year old me needs that $50. our system is broken.