I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
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’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny