I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
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“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)