I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
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Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
💀
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty