Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.

Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?

Me: No, I’m good.

Husband: Are you sure?

Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…

and if you can a coke…

and a cheeseburger…

Can you also swing by Taco Bell?

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon

Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.

“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”

“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.

Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?

People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”

Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.

Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀

Thursday Thought.

Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…

But that’s how Julius Caesar.