I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
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My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me