I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
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where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.