I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
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One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.