I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
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Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped