I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
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Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat