Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.

That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.

Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.

Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.

placebo pills? more like sike meds

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments

God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.

God making man in his image was the original selfie

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.

Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]

“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?

just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road

What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?

I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.

After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.

Oh wait I made them too.

Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.

Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.