Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.

I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”

Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.

[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?

Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]

Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.

Me: Do the thing.

Nurse:

Me:

Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*

It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.

Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”

-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no

Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.

DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.