I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
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Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.