I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
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For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
here we go again
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN