I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
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My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.