I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
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Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Ooh I do like a good funnel
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
some things should go without saying
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
