I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
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Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Childbirth is so beautiful
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
pep talk
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.