Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her

My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.

“OMG, it’s so big!”

(Your ego)

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

On the surface: cool as a cucumber…

On the inside: squirrel in traffic…

venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*

Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.