Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

BRITISH PERSON: cheerio

AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger

No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.

They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps

Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.

Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

Nobody:

My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

10 year old: What was it like?

Me: What was what like?

10: Being alive in the 1900’s?

Me: Go to your room.

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.

Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.

If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.

Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?

*Laughs in 2020*

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”

[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?

If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.

“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.

Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.

Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂

Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.

Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.

Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?

God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL