I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
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When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
I saw nothing
They also CAN sing✌️
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned