Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry

Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.

Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️

My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.

If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

[Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.

[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.

When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.

BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.

Everyone turns around and stairs at me.

That time Alicia messaged me

I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.

“He fell”

Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?

I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.

Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.

Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.

oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.