I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
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If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
If you know, you know
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.