I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
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Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD