Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.

If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?

*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no

If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.

2-year-old: Dad?

Me: What?

2: Are chickens real?

Me:

2:

Me: No one knows.

I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.

I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine

[invention of cap’n crunch]

satan: give them sugar croutons

[blind date]

Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”

ME *trying to impress him*

“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss

Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.

Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.

Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.

If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.

Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.

I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.