Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.

I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.

-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.

One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.

Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.

thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’

[Arriving in Hell]

*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*

what’s for dinner?

ME: indian

we had indian last night

ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so

[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]

wife: I should have been the one to do it

me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house

8: *gives me a pen*

Me: *takes it*

8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!

If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.

Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.

DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.

I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”

Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?

When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose

Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

I love texting my boyfriend

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.