I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
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I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.