I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
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[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Yup.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.