Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
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My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.