I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
You Might Also Like
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*