Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago

wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.

bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

Water: can you do me a solid?

God: sure *turns it into ice*

me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker

my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?

[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]

Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING

4 y/o: he died dad

Me: …

4 y/o: …

Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%

Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?

God: *wearing bird mask* BOO

Caterpillar: o000ö

God: haha jk it’s just me

Caterpillar: oOOOö

God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam

My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.

*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.

tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.

if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

Bonfire is French for “good fire.”

Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.

If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

airline: you need to pay to check luggage.

passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.

airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker

Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”

The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.