I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
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“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them