I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
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MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.