Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.

11: how large is Scotland Yard?

Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…

11: never mind, I will ask google.

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!

The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.

Me: “Am I pretty?”

3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”

Me: “Am I handsome?”

3-year-old: “No.”

Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!

Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.

The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.

The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him

best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score

Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.

[grocery store]

dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying

[baby keeps crying]

me: wow, your baby does not listen

Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good

DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too

[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS

Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.

Kylo Ren: I am your father.

Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.

Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.