Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[laying on top of me]

4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm

When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”

Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own

First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no

This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football

Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.

Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants

me: *taking underpants off my head* fine

Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?

My Boss: This is inappropriate

Me: Your skin is so…

My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!

Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*

Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.

Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy

Me: oh no!

Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels

Me: OH NO!

My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.

This is bullshit.

Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.

Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)

day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

her: what’s your fantasy?

me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal