I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
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[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite