I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
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Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries