Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What do we want?”

“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”

“When do we want it?”

“Not!”

I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.

Me: A problem shared is half solved.

Invigilator: sit in the front.

What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.

Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot

THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have

When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.

Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6

Cain was the first to call out Abelism.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him

There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.

“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that

Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.

When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.

My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?

Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.

An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.

I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.

I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.