Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*

Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.

*slowly slides PBJ under seat*

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.

Get real…

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these

My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.

Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.

I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

Husband: Give me one example.

Me: ALL the times.

Husband: Those don’t count.

“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos

I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.

“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations

“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??

My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!

Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…

Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.

Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.

When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.

I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

[at the vets]

ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me

VET: Your chicken is a cock

ME: Tell me about it

I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter