Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”

I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.

-Lies I’ve told to cops.

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?

-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut

what the hell is this stain?

– a memoir

The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff

Respect

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

1. Wear a black shirt

2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.

3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.

ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes

*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?

Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo

SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.

My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.

My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.

I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.