Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.

ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it

him: *on one knee*

me: you disrespectful piece of–

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle as I pay 🎶

the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates

First date idea: we take your cat to the dog park.

People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.

Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression

Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-

Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE

Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)

At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*

Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*

Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*

Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.

Also kids: ALREADY?!?

if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates

really makes you think 🤔

Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.

That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.

if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong

[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?

[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.

*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*

Him: *Drives away*

Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”

what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep

I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.

I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him

Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?

A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.

Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.

As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!