I wish all tests were things you peed on
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[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
A completely valid reaction tbh
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
more water
