I wish all tests were things you peed on
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Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
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Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.
Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
is this how new cars are made??
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Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else