I wish all tests were things you peed on
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Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.