i wish all
whales
a very
big
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Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
The old gods are rising again.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people