i wish all
whales
a very
big
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there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.