Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

BOSS: Describe yourself

ME: Can’t you see me?

NEW LAUNDRY RULES!

1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!

2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!

3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out

Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.

Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.

Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.

my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed

Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

Things I’m leaving in 2021:

Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.

Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.

Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.

*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.

My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.