@NotGoodEthan
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
@JennyJohnsonHi5
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
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@NotGoodEthan
@DaddyJew
How many points do I get if I hit a Pokemon player with my car?
@AmishPornStar1
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
@TheOnlyMommaG
[me explaining why I have two black eyes and fucked up nose to my co-worker]
“I was in a bar fight, it got crazy”
*what actually happened.. Got kicked in the face by an eight year old playing sharks and minnows 😑
@GoldenSpirals
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
@AndLookPretty
My husband emptied the dishwasher this morning. What does he want from me?
@bonehugsnirony
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
@chuuew
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
@panmidwest
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
@primawesome
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.