@CelebrityGaucho [Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
@JennyJohnsonHi5 I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
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@CelebrityGaucho 
@phoebe_bridgers I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
@Dustinkcouch therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
@shwebby2 Whenever I start to disrobe in front of a lady; I always hand her a card that states
“A mild sense of Nausea is perfectly normal”
@MarfSalvador me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
@NYC_Blonde If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
@Social_Mime Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
@_mindflakes Did you know that ants are free? You can just take one!
@donjuantip Vodka…deleting memories since…uhh…
@mrtruthandsoul Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?