[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
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I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Whenever I start to disrobe in front of a lady; I always hand her a card that states
“A mild sense of Nausea is perfectly normal”
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Did you know that ants are free? You can just take one!
Vodka…deleting memories since…uhh…
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?