@JennyJohnsonHi5

I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang

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@NotGoodEthan

“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*

@DaddyJew

How many points do I get if I hit a Pokemon player with my car?

@AmishPornStar1

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

@TheOnlyMommaG

[me explaining why I have two black eyes and fucked up nose to my co-worker]

“I was in a bar fight, it got crazy”

*what actually happened.. Got kicked in the face by an eight year old playing sharks and minnows 😑

@AndLookPretty

My husband emptied the dishwasher this morning. What does he want from me?

@bonehugsnirony

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

@chuuew

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

@panmidwest

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

@primawesome

Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.