I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
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your elf on the shelf was delicious
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
fair
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
the Monday after daylight savings
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.