Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

I wish I were this cool 😂

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.

Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”

Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

*deathbed*

All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*

getting down to this… sick… beat

*dies*

*widow rolls eyes*

I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset

I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe

Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk

You can’t make me breathe heavy.

You aren’t a flight of stairs.

Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.

Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?

Me: Setting fire to the house?

Interviewer: strengths?

Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….

Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?

Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??

I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.

My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.

Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.

my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy

3% human
97% stress

No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.

you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does

I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.

🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶

Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what

Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork

[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!

ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!

Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig