I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
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God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
the red hot silly peppers
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
When I laugh on my period
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.