I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
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If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.