Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon

My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.

Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.

I’m giving up ice.

This is my cat’s medicine.

My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.

I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.

What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

*being chased by serial killer

Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit

Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.

Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure

Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

normalize having existential bread

*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…

As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.

I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.

DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!

ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.

But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”