I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
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every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.