Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name

“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Insecurity guard……….

If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.

Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.

I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.

Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber

If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.

[Baseball game]

ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex

HIM: What? No, baseball came first

ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball

I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught

“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees

[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea

Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.

Ad: Buy 4, get one free.

Me: I’ll take 10 then.

“Susan, will you marry me?”

“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”

Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.

I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat

Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.

If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

[donut shop]

me: I’ll take a bear claw

*loud roar from the back*

me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.

Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”

Me: Heck yeah

TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️

Me: Wait a second