I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
You Might Also Like
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*