Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…

What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!

⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.

DATE: I love playful women

ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-

Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop

I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.

[god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents…

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.

What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.

What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.

Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do

“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.

4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

Seriously why do people do this to themselves?

Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.

Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.

[ working from home ]

Me:

SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust

I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.