Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.

Love is always patient and kind.

Greek yogurt should have Greek names.

“What flavor you got?”

“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*

When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.

Fun Fact:

The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.

My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.

I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.

not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.

TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?

ME: *hand up*

TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.

ME: *hand down*

Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?

Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary

WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…

I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.

My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.

What to do when threatened by a bear:

1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.